


Without Reticence

by Alien Hedgehog (Drag_Me_to_Earth)



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Bones is So Done, Jim is a Little Shit, M/M, McSpirk - Freeform, help him
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-03-09 06:09:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13475322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drag_Me_to_Earth/pseuds/Alien%20Hedgehog
Summary: Uh I intended to write Spirk but McSpirk is what's actually happening? Triumvirate is the physical embodiment of melodrama honestly.Anyway:Jim will never admit to anyone (except the bottle of vodka he stole from Chekov) that he's happy Uhura didn't take Spock back after they defeated Krall. He forgets that his two best friends know him almost better than he knows himself.Bones is Very Tired bc his best friends are both extremely annoying and extremely handsome. He doesn't think they realize he thinks they're attractive. They totally do.Contains references to TOS episodes!





	1. I Panic Because I Care

**Author's Note:**

> For clarity, I should explain that AOS enviro-suits come in various kinds. In these, the oxygen mask is self contained: in the event that the suit is torn and the skin exposed, the mask ensures no substances enter the wearer’s mouth, nose, or eyes. This is important bc otherwise our heros would be blinded and burned by the heavy ammonia atmosphere of a phosphorus-nitrogen based planet.

Jim blinked awake. He was on the ground, wearing a full enviro-suit on an inhospitable alien planet, and... and Spock was lying on top of him unconscious. Spock’s oxygen mask wheezed by his ear as he struggled to recall what had happened. Seeing a few thin, mauve spears on the ground nearby kick-started his memory. The exploratory team had been attacked, the natives not understanding the strange creatures' appearance. Obviously the lifeforms on Xorti weren’t carbon-based, since their scanners had claimed that the planet was uninhabited. Jim could see Lieutenant Dalir lying nearby, not obviously wounded. He guessed that the spears had been thrown mostly as a deterrent from getting any closer, or the beings would have killed the team after they fainted. There must have been something in the air that the masks weren’t prepared to filter. He wished he could see where the rest of his team was, but he didn't dare move Spock just yet. A slender spear was sticking out of the Vulcan’s back. Jim saw Lt. Dalir stir, and called over to her. 

“Lieutenant? You alright?” he called. She sat up with a groan.

“Yes, Captain - except a nasty headache.”

“Me, too. Do you see Ensign Monyane and Dr. Amelin?”

“Yes, they’re to your right. Ensign Monyane’s got a big gash in his leg.”

“Well, shit. Did they take our things? We need to call Bones down here quickly -”

“I think we just lost stuff in the scuffle, sir. I’ve still got my phaser and I can see that Dr. Amelin does, too. The communicator is still on Commander Spock’s belt.”

“Alright, hand me that and then check on the others, would you?” Jim prayed the communicator still worked as she knelt by Dr. Amelin. Before he could check, he felt Spock stir and he twisted his neck trying to adjust so he could see Spock’s face. As Spock opened his eyes he immediately winced. Jim quietly ordered him not to move, since he knew the first thing Spock would think he had to do, regardless of his injury, would be get off of Kirk. He quickly flicked the communicator on. To his relief, Scotty answered right away. Apparently it had been over an hour since the Enterprise heard from them. 

“Good t’ hear your voice, Cap’in! Shall I beam you up?”

“You, too, Scotty. Not yet, though. We’ve got some injuries I want Bones down here to look at before we go scrambling anyone.”

“Aye, Cap’in. Sending ‘im down ASAP.”

* * *

“Well, I see why you didn’t want to beam up like this, Jim. You were right, though, that spear is in a bad spot,” Bones said, staring down at the pair. Spock turned his head as though he had enough range of motion to look at the doctor.

“I must insist that you care for the rest of the away team first, doctor. Dr. Amelin is still unconscious, and I am sure that the other two would like to get off of this deadly plant posthaste.”

“To be fair, you’ll take much longer to fix up enough to move, so you’re probably right - this time,” allowed Bones. “I’ll come back over once those three are beamed up.” Jim felt rather helpless and useless, but at least Spock was conscious. He rested his hand on Spock’s side to feel his heartbeat, easing his worry, but there was green blood spreading thinly across the Vulcan’s back. 

“Spock,” he said quietly, “if you die from taking a spear meant for me I’ll kill you.”

“Captain, that threat is nonsensical. I will not apologize for protecting you. ...I am, however, sorry, about this,” he replied, trailing off at the end. As Bones walked back over to them, Jim felt the worry start to increase to panic, but he tried to keep still and calm in the hopes that Spock  _ hadn’t  _ been attempting to apologize for  _ dying _ . And then Bones scanned him and said, “Shit.”

“What? Bones! What’s wrong?”

“He’s got internal bleeding and severely ruptured intestines in addition to the ammonia in the air burning the wound. I’ll keep him steady, okay? You need to get out from under him. There’s no way you’ll be able to hold still the whole time. Just move slowly and stay as horizontal as you can until you’re away from him,” Bones said. Jim did his best to breathe and to move without hurting his first officer, and Bones gently lowered Spock to the ground. He immediately turned to Jim, however. “Now you get back on that ship, and as soon as the nurses check you out you get the hell out of medbay and stay in your quarters, do you hear me, Jim? I don’t need you hovering and neither does Spock. You can panic once you’re cleared.” 

Jim most emphatically did not want to let Spock out of his sight, but he knew Bones would declare him emotionally compromised and confine him to his quarters anyway if he refused to leave. He dissociated through the decontamination process, lurid violet dust swept from his suit and skin, and through his visit to medbay. As soon as the door to his quarters closed behind him, he just lay down on the floor and stared at the ceiling, waiting until his emotions rushed back to him. Instead, the room faded, replaced by a crowd of thin civilians, an angry mob of hungry ghosts. His friends, disappearing under phaser fire. People who hadn’t even been selected to die choosing to go down fighting. Jim shook Tarsus IV from himself like a dog shaking water away. If he lost Spock, if he lost Spock because  _ Spock was protecting him _ , he would never be the same. He curled up on his bed as the fear and worry returned, hugging the blankets like a stuffed animal. He loved the Vulcan for whatever Spock was willing to give him. The fact that they had a solid friendship now was precious to Jim, although he could not deny to himself that he would like them to be more. Jim knew he was a romantic at heart, despite the number of flings he’d had. For a few moments, he allowed himself to imagine taking Spock’s hand and getting a soft smile in return, instead of offense. After he had been laying there depressed for a few hours, his vid-screen lit up with Bones’ face.

"Everyone’s alright. Spock's out of the woods, Jim," Bones said with a smile. "You can stop beating yourself up now." Jim sighed.

"What if he wasn't?"

"He is. That's what matters. Do you really think you can stop him from protecting you when you act the same way?" Bones had an inarguable point. "Get some rest, alright? Spock won't be up to visitors until tomorrow anyway."

"Ok. Okay. Thanks."

"Just doing my job as doctor and friend, Jim. I'm serious about the rest. Do I need to come hypo you?" Bones asked.

"No, no, I'm fine! Or - I will be," Jim said quickly. Bones disappeared, and he flopped back onto his bed with a groan.  _ Maybe I should just take Spock on fewer away teams? No, he'd hate that… _


	2. Part of the Ship, Part of the Crew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hey did you guys know that Nurse Chapel was there in the first movie we just didn't get to see her on-screen? anyway I brought her back bc Uhura needs her girl. Jim continues to have some feelings about some things.

As soon as Alpha shift was over, Jim handed the bridge over and hurried down to the medbay, trailed by an anxious Uhura and Chekov. He was half annoyed to not get the visit to himself and half relieved, but all the same it was an awkwardly quiet turbolift. They were greeted in medbay by Dr. M’Benga, the Enterprise’s resident Vulcan expert. Being informed that Spock was in a healing trance, Chekov retreated to have lunch with Sulu. Jim stood side-by-side with Uhura at Spock’s bed, wondering despondently if he even had the right to do so. After a few silent moments, Uhura whacked his arm rather hard.

“Ow! What the hell?”

“Enough already. You’re projecting ‘I’m a horrible person’ to the whole galaxy at this point, Kirk - which is ridiculous. Spock will be fine, and then you two will go back to mooning at each other over the bridge railing,” she said firmly. Jim gaped at her.

“We - we don’t  _ moon _ ! Or - okay, at least  _ he _ definitely doesn’t.”

“Uh-huh. Sure, Captain. Look, Spock is still one of my favorite people in this world, and handsome as hell, but we’re not together anymore  _ for a reason _ . Everyone on this ship loves you in one way or another, you know? You should pay more attention to what that means.”

“That’s… fair. I mean, except Bones, I think I’m the bane of his existence,” Jim said, laughing. Uhura rolled her eyes.

“Leonard loves you more than he hates you, though that’s saying something.”

“Wait -  _ Leonard _ ? Are you two buddies now? Should I sleep with one eye open?”

“Oh, uh. Well, I’ve been around medbay a lot more on my off time - I made a friend, ok?”

“A friend? Oh, please let me be nosy! I promise I won’t be an asshole! Sulu keeps all the gossip from me; I never know  _ anything _ ,” he begged. She shook her head fondly.

“I don’t know how you manage to be a genius and an idiot at the same time. Fine - it’s Christine Chapel. Ever since she transferred back we’ve been hanging out. She’s good, and she keeps Leonard from strangling people.”

“You, Bones, and  _ Christine Chapel _ ? I’m never sleeping again!”

“You’re such a drama queen, Kirk. We don’t have plans to murder you. Now, come with me to the mess instead of sitting here pining. There’s nothing you can do, and if you don’t eat, Leonard  _ will _ send a yeoman after you.” With that, Uhura swept out of medbay, and Jim felt he had no choice but to follow, throwing one last glance over his shoulder at Spock’s still form.

They were greeted in the officer’s mess by Sulu and Chekov, which surprised Jim. Sulu usually ate in the regular hall so that he could keep up-to-date with the talk going around the crew, which meant Chekov did, too. Jim pulled his sandwich from the replicator and sat across from Sulu.

“Hey guys! Not milking the gossip mill today?”

“No, we wanted you to feel included; you’re without both of your shadows today,” Sulu said with a grin. Chekov snickered into his hand. “How big were your sad puppy eyes to get Uhura to hang out with you?”

“WOW. Rude! Disrespectful! Insubordinate!” Kirk exclaimed with his hand over his heart. “I’m wounded, truly. Uhura likes me! Well - she doesn’t hate me. Anymore. Right?”

“Sure. I only tolerate you for the Enterprise,” she joked. “But, Kirk, what the  _ hell _ is that sandwich?” 

“Wh- it’s pork! It’s a pork tenderloin? Normal food?”

“It doesn’t even look like meat,” Uhura countered.

“It’s  _ breaded _ !”

“You’re so weird. Oh wait - you’re from Iowa. It’s some Iowan food, isn’t it?”

“You guys are so mean to me. Yes, okay, it’s Iowa food. I programed it myself. Are we just here to insult me?” Uhura rolled her eyes and gestured for Sulu to talk.

“Alright, Captain, sir, my devoted Commanding Officer, here’s the truth: we think you should tell the Sciences Divisions to recommend we leave this planet the hell alone in their reports,” said Sulu seriously. “Ensign Monyane needed skin  _ and _ muscle grafts for the ammonia burns and wound on his leg. He’s not gonna be fit for away teams again for months. Doctor Amelin was unconscious for an hour longer than the rest of you. We’re so  _ not _ equipped to deal with Xorti.”

“Oh… That’s fair. You could have brought it up at the meeting, which is in like an hour -- unless you won’t be there for some reason?” 

“I’ll be there. It’s just - I’m part of Sciences, but my main assignment is still the helm. I don’t want to go into a meeting with department heads and talk like I’m in charge of things, so I figured I’d just talk to you about it over lunch.” Jim sighed.

“Dude, I’ve made you Acting Captain more than once. You’re definitely allowed to have opinions. I’ll bring that point up like it’s my idea if you don’t want the confrontation, though. Honestly? I can’t say I disagree with you. We never expected to find life, nevermind life with  _ spears _ , on a planet with so little carbon and literal  _ lakes of acid _ . ‘Just see if we can mine all that phosphorus’ they said! The next crew to go down there will  _ not _ be mine,” Jim said emphatically. 

“Okay, Captain, watch the hand gestures!” laughed Uhura. “We’re very glad you don’t want to send anyone else to the death planet. Now can I drink my tea in peace, guys? This communications officer happens to be very happy not to be invited to the anxiety-filled meeting. Chekov, how’s your research project with Hilbert spaces coming?” Chekov lit up, and Jim groaned.

“Alright, that’s my cue to run for the hills before the deep math melts my brain. I’ll see you at the meeting in a bit, right, Sulu?”

“You got it, boss.”

Jim managed to walk confidently and smile at passing crew members until he reached his quarters. As the door swished closed behind him, he sank into his desk chair. He had half an hour to wallow.  _ I didn’t spare Monyane or Amelin a thought until Sulu brought them up. I can’t captain like this. This is ridiculous. Would I be this bad if Spock and I were together? No. No, I wouldn’t feel so guilty every time he gets hurt if I felt like less of a creep for thinking of him like that. I bet I’ve gotten increasingly weird since we left Yorktown and just didn’t realize. Bones has been giving me looks like I’m missing something but he always says ‘Nothing’. God, how does that man tolerate me? I didn’t even tell him I was gonna leave. I was seriously about to dump him with Spock and sit behind a desk and see neither of them for at least three years. I’m such a dumbass. Thinking of Bones - why the hell do I even take him on away teams? He hates danger! He’s our Chief Medical Officer and I’m dragging him into wild situations just because I like having him around and -- _

“Okay!” Jim said aloud, “That’s definitely enough spiraling into freak out for one afternoon.” Standing, he headed out to the conference room to prepare himself to face the heads of the Sciences… minus Spock.

 


	3. Always Some Madness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saint Leonard McCoy reporting, also Spock is just a simple gay.  
> is it officer's training or officers' training? this is gonna haunt me

Jim walked out of the Sciences meeting nursing a killer headache. They’d talked for over an hour, but it all boiled down to telling Starfleet to leave Xorti alone, for a few centuries at least. It was the expected result, but they’d wanted to get every detail of their findings perfect so that Starfleet couldn’t argue. He comm’ed Bones as he walked.

“Bones! Light of my life! Please tell me you have a minute and a spare glass.”

“Jim! Bane of my life! You can whine for a whole 30 minutes if you get to my room in 5.”

“I’m already in the turbolift, Bonesy.”

“Call me that again and your access to the good alcohol will be permanently revoked,” McCoy replied, and hung up on him. Jim grinned to himself. He felt better already.

Leonard let Jim sit in his quarters and moan about Uhura calling him out, and Bones and Uhura and Chapel  _ Totally Plotting Against Him _ , and the excruciating meeting, for about ten minutes before he interrupted. 

“Jim, the whole ship has had a betting pool since we left Yorktown.”

“ _ What _ ? That’s - that’s just - rude! I am  _ not _ that obvious! Wait - is Uhura in on it? Are  _ you _ in on it? Is CHEKOV?”

“Of course we are, who do you think is gonna guess your behavior correctly: me, or the random yeoman on Deck 3? Don’t take it so hard; the only reason it got to be such a big thing is that everyone can see it’s both of you.” Jim blinked.

“No way. Why would Spock pick me over  _ Uhura _ ? You guys are seeing things. The way I am? I’m lucky I have  _ friends _ .” Leonard flinched at that. He forgot, sometimes, what lay under all the bravado and recklessness. He tried to say something reassuring, or at least remind his friend that he didn’t  _ actually  _ hate him, but Jim waved him off and hurried back to his own cabin. 

“That kid will be the death of me…”

* * *

The next morning, Jim was ecstatic to see Spock walk onto the bridge.

“Spock! Good to have you back! Bones didn’t tell me he was releasing you!” Spock nodded.

“Yes, he indicated that the Alpha shift crew would appreciate the element of surprise to my return. I too am gratified to return to my duties, although I will not be allowed on away teams for some time yet,” he said with a faint smile. Jim spent the whole shift in a particularly buoyant mood, unbothered by the monotony of basic star-charting. For once, nothing drastic happened before the end of his shift, and he bounced out of the captain’s chair with a grin and turned to Spock before he could leave.

“Spock! Are you going to eat?”

“Ah. Apologies, Captain. I am heading to the labs to hear the reports I missed from the Sciences… “ He paused. “However, I would be amenable to a game of chess once I am done for the day,” he added, and it sounded like a question. Jim steadfastly ignored Chekov, who was very intently watching them, and agreed to the suggestion happily. Chekov  _ took notes _ . He was going to have to have a word with Sulu, who he suspected of starting the betting.

He spent his lunch in the regular mess hall, entertaining the new yeomen with stories from before they signed on. He missed Janice Rand, his first yeoman and a good friend, but he couldn’t begrudge her the decision to enter the Academy for officer’s training. He was, in fact, pretty sure she’d be in charge of them all some day. Nurse Amos comm’ed to remind him that he was supposed to be in Medbay in ten minutes to talk to Ensign Monyane, so he cut himself off and bowed out of the starry-eyed group. In Medbay, he struggled to keep his spirits up having to tell Ensign Monyane that he would have to transfer off the ship and back to a planet or station. The Enterprise just didn’t have room in Medbay for a long-term resident. When he got back to his room, he wrote the ensign a commendation letter to take with him. His duties complete, Jim picked up a book to read while he waited for Spock to show up at his door.

“It is true that those we meet can change us, sometimes so profoundly that we are not the same afterwards, even unto our names,” Spock said suddenly, as usual having entered without a sound. Jim startled.

“Oh! Yann Martel,  _ Life of Pi _ … You’ve read it?”

“Indeed. I found it more insightful than many older works that humanity calls ‘classic’,” Spock replied. “I recall being surprised by the number of non-digital books you keep in your quarters, the first time I entered. It is not nearly so surprising now that we know each other better.”

“Ha ha, yeah, I’m sure I don’t seem the type. Someday you’ll see me sitting in an armchair reading a paper book and wearing glass lenses like this is the early 2000s, though. Honestly, like half my flings at the Academy were to keep myself from getting a reputation as “a stack of books with legs.”

“I see.  _ Clearly _ better to cultivate a reputation of careless arrogance and irreverence. Glass lenses?”

“We’ve got a family history of being allergic to Retinax V, unfortunately.” Spock, upon a moment’s contemplation, found the image of Jim Kirk, ten years hence, wearing reading glasses, to be quite pleasing. “Oh! Um, hold on, I was so absorbed reading that I didn’t set up the board.” Jim stood to get the chess set, but Spock stepped forward with a hand held out to stop him. 

“Captain, before we play, I wanted to apologize directly.”

“What? Apologize for what? You nearly died saving my life!”

“Precisely. I did not think; I acted. It is likely that I could simply have yelled for you to move aside, as I perceived the spear’s intended path before it was in the air. My value as an officer stems largely from my logical approach; my failure to do so caused you great distress.”

“Wh- no. What? No. Spock, you can’t make yourself responsible for my panic attack. That’s on me and my issues, okay? On the other hand, if you could, you know,  _ not _ almost die, DO THAT. I can’t do this without you, Spock, surely you know that by now.”

“Jim…” Spock trailed off, seeming uncertain of his response. “If my death were to occur I am certain you would continue to be an excellent captain. You have a larger support system than perhaps you realize.” Jim made a buzzer noise.

“Eeeeehhnt! Wrong! If something killed you I’d abandon my post and all semblance of order and hunt down either whatever did it or the way to fix it. Probably die trying because anything that kills you has to be a bad son of a bitch.”

“Do you imagine you are alone in this? Did I not hunt Kahn down on foot and beat him into submission by hand? Nyota barely stopped me from killing him.” Spock’s tone was quiet but intense, and Jim felt chastised. “The Enterprise would not be home without you.” His lips pressed together as though he had not quite meant to say that aloud. Jim was gaping a bit, shocked that his normally reserved friend had actually admitted to the emotional sentiment. As he processed, suddenly, the implications of their current argument, a grin spread across his face, which made Spock eye him warily.

“Spock, I’m gonna have to ask you not to send me flying over the desk, because I’m gonna be impulsive and possibly stupid.” Spock merely raised an eyebrow, which Jim took as encouragement. He surged forward, crowding into Spock’s space and sliding a hand on the back of his head, as he pressed their lips together. It was like a lightning strike, and Spock wasted barely half a moment on surprise. He was quick to return the embrace; they kissed until Jim had to pull away for air. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." - Friedrich Nietzsche


End file.
